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TV Smith's Dua Sen. The politically incorrect irregular columnist combines
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DUH DINNER
by
TV Smith
29/05/04
15 reasons why I hate Chinese wedding dinners...
DISGUISE - The reception table is a thinly disguised payment counter.
All ang pows are opened on the spot with the payer's name and amount recorded
into a ledger book.
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DUH - Gifts are frowned upon because the restaurants do not accept steam
irons and other useless presents as barter payment. The host settles the restaurant
bill at the end of the night with the cash proceeds. The balance is profit. Duh!
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DURESS - There are good reasons why the invitation cards are known as summonses.
If you get the saman, you pay; whether you show up or not.
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DAMAGE - A strict formula governs the prevailing rates:
Show up with
your partner, you pay double.
Children under seven years of age are not charged.
'No show' discount - maximum 50% NCB ("no came" bonus).
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DILEMMA - To make matters worse, Chinese weddings tend to take place all
on the same day due to the importance placed on auspicious dates. Just when you
are broke at the end of the month, you'll get hit with five summonses.
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DELUGE - With almost every couple marrying on the same day, things can
get really impersonal and crowded. It is not uncommon to see one tiny restaurant
hosting five different wedding banquets. It is also not uncommon to end up sitting
at the wrong party.
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DEVOUR - All those friends who forwarded e-mails enclosing passionate pleas
to save the sharks
never read their own e-mails, apparently. They dive into that mandatory second
course like piranhas.
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DETACHED - There is racial polarization even at wedding dinners. Muslim
guests are usually relegated to one dark corner with cold and bland food served
by a sweaty caterer.
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DELUDED - I wish more Chinese wedding dinners are held at halal
restaurants because they usually DO NOT have karaoke equipment. Without it, there
are less chances of encountering people with delusions of talent.
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DETERRENT - It may be fashionable to be late at these weddings but there
is a heavy price to pay. You end up sitting with nine anti-social strangers. The
guy next to you is bound to spit out fish bones and prawn shells in the most disgusting
manner.
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DEGENERATE - The guy opposite you will abidingly get drunk and start spinning
the table carousel to see who gets the chicken head.
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DEFICIT - The entrenched payment system has some serious drawbacks. Some
guests are bent on creating a deficit account. They try to consume as many bottles
of brandy as they humanly can. Which brings me to my next point.
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DISGUST - Never visit the loo after the fifth course. You are bound to
see regurgitated shark's fin soup and one season of the four seasons on the sink,
urinals or floor.
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DAHSYAT - In fact, try not to go to the loo at all. You don't want miss
one of the 300 gowns the bride changes into that night.
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DECEPTIVE -
If you were at the ceremony in the day, you are bound to be surprised in the night.
Those sleepy eyed 'chee muis' (bride's girlfriends) you met in the morning show
up in the evening magically transformed. Push-up
bras rule, says my friend Pey
Ling.
This
article also appears in print and online
in StarMag (The Sunday Star).
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© 2004 TV SMITH
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to TV Smith's Dua Sen: http://www.tvsmith.net.my/duasen/
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