TV SMITH's Dua Sen: Mallbrats
TV Smith's Dua Sen
TV Smith's Dua Sen. The politically incorrect irregular columnist combines his idiosyncratic observations and tangential commentary into a blog...


by TV Smith

Here I am, trying to mix work with pleasure - sip Pina Coladas and upkeep my main portal Malaysia Central ( - all at the same time. Something not difficult to do from where I currently laze. A remote and idyllic tropical island engulfed with GSM signals. Almost paradise. I said almost. Whenever I bluetooth the notebook to the mobile phone, my Gmail Notifier would blink like the hazard lights of a Malaysian car caught in a light drizzle.

The first hint of turmoil back home came from an e-mail sent by a distressed friend. Josephine, who's normally sedated even without tranquillisers, revealed that she's on the brink of a breakdown after a recent shopping trip. My inbox was soon inundated with similar mails from agitated folks demanding I highlight an issue blatantly ignored by the mainstream media. I sympathise with you dear readers, but your avalanche of protest messages is triggering a personal financial meltdown. Internet access via GPRS roaming here costs around US $1 per 10Kb.

The bane? Sweet little kids are now transforming, mutating into mall monsters through shoes fitted with stealthy skate wheels in the heels. They zig-zag around shoppers, cut in front of passersby without warning and crash into innocent store mannequins with nary an apology. Inspired by their parents' road manners, I suspect. The mallbrats rollered through the polished floors of shopping malls leaving behind a trail of destruction and despair. Skid marks, damaged toenails and tears from kids unfortunate enough not to own a pair.

It is a worldwide scourge apparently. Jeff Ooi just called me on the Skype Phone from wintery Boston saying he was chased down the mall by rodents in mittens. "Do something!' he pleaded. "I'll even accept chocolates from the mall owners if they ban the blight..." he woefully conceded. His Holiness the Dalai Lama, who is usually calm and composed, shot me a SMS from his exile home in Dharamsala (not Damansara). The revered pacifist's capitalised message reads: BANISHMENT ASAP OR WORLD WAR :(

Even good old Kofi Annan, a staunch opponent of aggression against Saddam Hussein and Kim Jong-il, told me in no uncertain terms via Yahoo Messenger: "Do something or I'll get Bush to nuke em!" I'm not sure if the outrage from the foreigners stemmed from the fact that we started the trend or because we are the world's leading (contract) manufacturer of those pesky shoes. In fact, every adult I know is lamenting except fellow blogger Dr Liew, who gets to treat more young patients with fractured limbs.

I don't know about the development abroad but I do know that here in Klang Valley it is something not totally unexpected. A typical kid spends his formative years in shopping malls. Usually in an empty supermarket trolley pushed by an Indonesian maid. So naturally, by the time they are ready to walk at ages four or five, they take to another set of wheels like ducklings to water.

I'll be back in a couple of days. Soon as I return, I'll mobilise the NGOs, inform SUHAKAM, Pemuda UMNO, Datuk Michael Chong and start an online petition. Promise. Meanwhile, I urge you not to take matters into your own hands (or legs). Do not stick a leg out...

© 2004 TV SMITH
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