TV SMITH's Dua Sen: Interview With Bigfoot
TV Smith's Dua Sen
TV Smith's Dua Sen. The politically incorrect irregular columnist combines his idiosyncratic observations and tangential commentary into a blog...


by TV Smith

After weeks of covert negotiations with Orang Asli elders from the Endau Rompin area, I finally received the green light to meet with Malaysia's very own Bigfoot.

I trekked deep into hostile territory for this first ever interview with the elusive ape man. As I approached his jungle lair, the tall hairy creature leaped without warning from a tree, grabbed me tightly by the throat, and shook me violently....

Yati: Did you bring it?

TV: I did. I did. (Pulling a bottle of Beefeater Gin out of my backpack.)

Yati: Splendid! <whistle hiss whistle hiss> (Bigfoot makes this strange rhythmic whistling and hissing sound in between words or sentences)

TV: Hey! Are you by any chance a Brit?

Yati: Bugger! You actually think I am a rang-goo-tan ? (Gulping down the gin ferociously)

TV: The way you say orang utan confirmed it! You're a Mat Salleh, definitely!

Yati: Yeah... that partly explains the excessive body hair doesn't it?

TV: Is the Yati name a localised pronunciation of Yeti (the abominable snowman) ?

Yati: No, it is an affectionate tribute to my ex-wife, Hayati.

TV: Bigfoot was married once?

Yati: Is a long .......<whistle hiss whistle> ....... story, old chap.

TV: I have all the time and another bottle of fine gin...

Yati: Bugger me dead!

Yati: Oh well... It was during the 80's when I arrived in Kuala Lumpur to work as an engineer. Malaysia launched that silly tit-for-tat “Buy British Last” campaign and <hiss whistle hiss whistle> the British construction company I was working for folded up, soon enough.

TV: So you took up farming?

Yati: So I figured I'll go work with an Aussie company. Then in no time, one thin-skinned doctor had a bloody big spat with the Aussies and my job got stuffed too. <hiss whistle hiss whistle hiss>

TV: Then you worked for a Jewish company?

Yati: No, you wanker... I started drinking at the Hard Rock Cafe. That was where I met Hayati.

TV: You married a SPG!

TV: You were just like one of the many expats in town during the construction boom.

Yati: Bugger I wasn't.

TV: Why were you different?

Yati: I started drinking before I got married.

TV: OK. How did you end up as a fugitive animal in Johor?

Yati: Since I was chronically unemployed, <whistle hiss whistle> my wife decided we should head back to her kampung, hire a few Bangladeshis and set up a farm.

Yati: By the way, is it true they are rounding up all those poor sods just because one of them shagged some VIP's wife?

TV: How on earth do you keep up with the latest news, holed up in the woods?

Yati: Here! (takes out and switches on a hand crank portable Grundig shortwave radio)

TV: Wow! BBC Shortwave...

TV: From remote farming, how did you venture into eco tourism?

Yati: I was exploring the deep jungles one weekend and I stumbled upon this ruins that looked like a cross between Angkor Wat and Borobudur! Magnificent. <whistle hiss whistle hiss> Must be at least a 1000 years old.

TV: Wow! It must be the site of Kota Gelanggi, the lost city!

Yati: How do you know?

TV: One local tabloid ran a 10 page exclusive, featured it for a week and then all of a sudden, all news of the discovery vanished.

Yati: That figures... I got a visit one night by some men in black, warning me that if I ever revealed what I discovered I'll be hung by the balls.

TV: What is this dark secret?

Yati: I think it'll change history as we all know it...

TV: The Bangladeshis were here before the Orang Asli?

Yati: Instead of speculating, I took off one night, headed for the forests, never to return...

TV: You left your wife and electric shaver behind?

Yati: The bitch was banging the farm hand anyway <whistle whistle hiss>

TV: Oh.....

TV: Cheers! (I opened the other bottle)

TV: Hmmm... still something don't add up...

Yati: What?

TV: Your feet. They're big but not as big as those 17-inch-long footprints found.

Yati: You not gonna give me that willie and shoe size correlation bullshit are you?

TV: Well...

Yati: The fake imprints draw the tourists, scientists and window lickers. It means money for the Orang Asli blokes. No one is complaining.

TV: What about the sightings?

Yati: I think that happened during those times I slipped back to the village grocery shop to get some fags. <whistle whistle hiss whistle hiss>

TV: What about accusations that you were hired to promote the King Kong movie? The first sightings coincided with the screening of the movie in Malaysia....

Yati: Bollocks! I have you know that I walked 50 km to Kota Tinggi to get a VCD of that movie.

TV: One last question. Why is your speech peppered with those strange whistling and hissing sounds? Is it a speech impediment?

Yati: You heard the frigging shortwave radio just now didn't you? The reception Is really cranky, there's too much static. After listening to it for years, what do you expect? <whistle hiss whistle>

© 2006 TV SMITH
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