INTERVIEW
WITH BIGFOOT
by
TV Smith
15/03/06
After weeks of covert negotiations
with Orang Asli elders from the Endau Rompin
area, I finally received the green light to
meet with Malaysia's very own Bigfoot.
I trekked deep into hostile territory for
this first ever interview with the elusive
ape man. As I approached his jungle lair,
the tall hairy creature leaped without warning
from a tree, grabbed me tightly by the throat,
and shook me violently....
Yati: Did you bring
it?
TV:
I did. I did. (Pulling a bottle of Beefeater
Gin out of my backpack.)
Yati: Splendid! <whistle hiss
whistle hiss> (Bigfoot makes this
strange rhythmic whistling and hissing sound
in between words or sentences)
TV: Hey! Are
you by any chance a Brit?
Yati:
Bugger! You actually think I am a rang-goo-tan
? (Gulping down the gin ferociously)
TV: The way
you say orang utan confirmed it! You're
a Mat Salleh, definitely!
Yati: Yeah... that partly explains
the excessive body hair doesn't it?
TV:
Is the Yati name a localised pronunciation
of Yeti (the abominable snowman) ?
Yati:
No, it is an affectionate tribute to my
ex-wife, Hayati.
TV:
Bigfoot was married once?
Yati:
Is a long .......<whistle hiss whistle>
....... story, old chap.
TV: I have
all the time and another bottle of fine
gin...
Yati: Bugger me dead!
Yati: Oh well... It was during the
80's when I arrived in Kuala Lumpur to work
as an engineer. Malaysia launched that silly
tit-for-tat “Buy British Last”
campaign and <hiss whistle hiss whistle>
the British construction company I was working
for folded up, soon enough.
TV:
So you took up farming?
Yati: So I figured I'll go work with
an Aussie company. Then in no time, one
thin-skinned doctor had a bloody big spat
with the Aussies and my job got stuffed
too. <hiss whistle hiss whistle hiss>
TV:
Then you worked for a Jewish company?
Yati: No, you wanker... I started
drinking at the Hard Rock Cafe. That was
where I met Hayati.
TV:
You married a SPG!
TV: You were
just like one of the many expats in town
during the construction boom.
Yati:
Bugger I wasn't.
TV:
Why were you different?
Yati:
I started drinking before I got married.
TV:
OK. How did you end up as a fugitive animal
in Johor?
Yati:
Since I was chronically unemployed, <whistle
hiss whistle> my wife decided we should
head back to her kampung, hire a few Bangladeshis
and set up a farm.
Yati:
By the way, is it true they are rounding
up all those poor sods just because one
of them shagged some VIP's wife?
TV: How on
earth do you keep up with the latest news,
holed up in the woods?
Yati:
Here! (takes out and switches on a hand
crank portable Grundig shortwave radio)
TV:
Wow! BBC Shortwave...
TV:
From remote farming, how did you venture
into eco tourism?
Yati:
I was exploring the deep jungles one weekend
and I stumbled upon this ruins that looked
like a cross between Angkor Wat and Borobudur!
Magnificent. <whistle hiss whistle hiss>
Must be at least a 1000 years old.
TV: Wow! It
must be the site of Kota Gelanggi, the lost
city!
Yati: How do you know?
TV:
One local tabloid ran a 10 page exclusive,
featured it for a week and then all of a
sudden, all news of the discovery vanished.
Yati: That figures... I got a visit
one night by some men in black, warning
me that if I ever revealed what I discovered
I'll be hung by the balls.
TV: What is
this dark secret?
Yati: I think it'll change history
as we all know it...
TV: The Bangladeshis
were here before the Orang Asli?
Yati: Instead of speculating, I took
off one night, headed for the forests, never
to return...
TV: You left
your wife and electric shaver behind?
Yati: The bitch was banging the farm
hand anyway <whistle whistle hiss>
TV:
Oh.....
TV:
Cheers! (I opened the other bottle)
TV: Hmmm...
still something don't add up...
Yati:
What?
TV:
Your feet. They're big but not as big as
those 17-inch-long footprints found.
Yati: You not gonna give me that
willie and shoe size correlation bullshit
are you?
TV:
Well...
Yati: The fake imprints draw the
tourists, scientists and window lickers.
It means money for the Orang Asli blokes.
No one is complaining.
TV:
What about the sightings?
Yati:
I think that happened during those times I
slipped back to the village grocery shop to
get some fags. <whistle whistle hiss whistle
hiss>
TV: What about
accusations that you were hired to promote
the King Kong movie? The first sightings coincided
with the screening of the movie in Malaysia....
Yati: Bollocks! I have you know
that I walked 50 km to Kota Tinggi to get
a VCD of that movie.
TV:
One last question. Why is your speech peppered
with those strange whistling and hissing sounds?
Is it a speech impediment?
Yati: You heard the frigging shortwave
radio just now didn't you? The reception Is
really cranky, there's too much static. After
listening to it for years, what do you expect?
<whistle hiss whistle>
©
2006 TV SMITH
Link to this article: http://www.tvsmith.net.my/duasen/150306_bigfoot.html
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