TV SMITH's Dua Sen: Help! The Landing Strip Is Missing!
TV Smith's Dua Sen
TV Smith's Dua Sen. The politically incorrect irregular columnist combines his idiosyncratic observations and tangential commentary into a blog...


by TV Smith

I was not on a Cessna plane, making an emergency landing, as the title might suggest. Instead, I was on my way to the PC Fair by LRT when I got a call from a blogger friend (link withheld at her request and henceforth to be known as Unidentified Fellow Blogger #27 or UFB27).

UFB27: I just had a painful haircut...
Me: But I'm on the way to the PC Fair...
UFB27: You're so uncaring...
Me: But they have a good deal on the latest Pioneer DVD writer...
UFB27: Don't you want to see my new hairstyle?
Me: But the AO9 is a 16x dual layer writer with Ultra Dynamic Resonance Absorber...
UFB27: I've just opened a bottle of wine...
Me: OK. Give me ten minutes.

So I gave my seat to the elderly one-legged blind pregnant woman with three kids in one arm and arrived at the deli only to find UFB27 happily sloshed. Her painful experience turned out to be a Brazilian wax job. To ease her pain I ordered another bottle of wine. Not wanting to look like Malaysia's only lunchtime alcoholic couple, we invited fellow blogger and boozer Sharizal (link given at his request). He arrived shortly with a Swedish Japanese babe named Malena. UFB27 and Malena are both ravishing statuesque babes, even without makeup on a bright Saturday afternoon.

Malena related a story about the time when she was clubbing in a Tokyo bar. She came out of the washroom and was approached by two strangers who offered her US 200 to wee wee on their faces. She declined the offer tactfully, explaining her bladder was already empty. The guys bowed politely and returned promptly with two giant bottles of mineral water. Talk about persistence.

It reminded me of another blogger (UFB21) who was keen on trying another popular Japanese pastime known as bukkake. I reluctantly refused her invitation as bukakkes are normally group outings and I hate crowds. The only blogger I know who might enjoy this activity is Dr Liew and I didn't know him well enough then to share a face. Anyway, in case you didn't know, the generous goo you see on porn movies are usually faked with a concoction made from starch and egg white. Trust me, I'm a filmmaker and they teach us that in film school.

Just as everyone was about to dig into their brunch, I decided to share another scatological tale. Every few months, a small elite circle of Japanese corporate leaders would gather at a top-secret location. As they sit around a big meeting room table, a nubile woman would climb to the middle of the table and defecate onto a silver platter. Thereafter, a butler (in white gloves) takes the plate, carves her excrement into equal portions and serves it on fine silverware. Weird or disgusting as it may sound, her stool was evidently fragrant as she was fed with a special diet of herbs and spices weeks ahead.

Naturally, by this time I was the only one biting into the delicious salmon sandwich. Sharizal and Malena quickly excused themselves. OK. Let's get back to something more appetising. Let's get to my brief review of UFB27's new mons pubis. The thing about Malaysian women with a fresh new waxing or piercing is that you need to answer three rapid-fire mandatory questions before they even let you have a quick peep.

1. Are you sure you are not seeing anyone?
2. Are you sure you are not bluffing?
3. Are you sure you washed your hands?

Just answer the three standard questions in the affirmative and you're on your way. Don't try to be smart. This is NOT Mix FM's "Wrong Answer Game." I have seen my fair share of Brazilian waxes but in this case, the requisite 'landing strip' or the tiny upside-down narrow triangle was missing. It was her own choice, I was reminded. Pardon me for waxing lyrical but this is one pussy smoother than a Shar Pei dog. As the celebrity bald eagle Gwyneth Paltrow would readily attest, there should also be no thorny five-o'clock-shadow the day after, unlike those cheap razor jobs.

Glitters (03 7710 8813) is located in One Utama and they charge between RM 80 to RM 130 for a wax. Yes, I do detailed reviews but please bring your own painkillers or wine...

© 2005 TV SMITH
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