TV SMITH's Dua Sen: Latuk Loctor Ho
TV Smith's Dua Sen
TV Smith's Dua Sen. The politically incorrect irregular columnist combines his idiosyncratic observations and tangential commentary into a blog...


by TV Smith

Two of three highly revered consumer products made the headlines recently: academic and honorific titles. Upon reading the news, the one person that instantly came to mind was my friend Uncle Ho, VCD tycoon and supplier of the third. I called him to hear his side of the story…

TV Smith: Hello Uncle!

Uncle Ho: Myeh lan, hye yan?*

TV Smith: I'm recording this conversation, can we converse in English?

Uncle Ho: Tiuuuuuu!. OK lah but my England not very good.

TV Smith: How much did you pay for your doctorate and datukship titles?

Uncle Ho: Cant' remember. A few thousand ringgit. Tell you after no value.

TV Smith: You bought them together?

Uncle Ho: The Latuksheep I bought from my brother who bought it from his friend's brother. That time I didn't know there was going to be a Mega Sale in Malaka.

TV Smith: The PhD?

Uncle Ho: I was surfing for info on the latest movies when I came across this website offering the loctolate in DVD technology.

Uncle Ho: Summore they accept Malaysian credit cards. So why not…

TV Smith: Why do you feel it is necessary to have both titles?

Uncle Ho: I think because I was planning to gate crash FINAS or Filem Negara's annual dinner. Got two titles sure can sit on main table. Can't remember now.

TV Smith: Do you print the titles on your calling cards and stationery?

Uncle Ho: Definitely. Latuk Loctor Ho.

Uncle Ho: Summore my wife is Latin.

TV Smith: She is from South America? You mean Latino?

Uncle Ho: No lah. She's now a Latin from Kepong. She is Hokkien, so she calls me Natuk.

TV Smith: Has it been useful?

Uncle Ho: Most of the time. Even in Venice.

TV Smith: You were at the Venice Film Festival?!

Uncle Ho: Was trying to purchase the rights to that Hung Tua movie.

TV Smith: Since when you purchase movie rights?

Uncle Ho: All local movies which cannot sell one, we buy over for RM 17,000 flat fees.

TV Smith: But some producers spent millions…

Uncle Ho: Harlow! You go Astlo and see how much they pay? 5000 thousand maximum!

TV Smith: Where were you hanging out lately? Don't see you much at Shark Disco…

Uncle Ho: Was at Gay Men Island.

TV Smith: Huh?!

Uncle Ho: The tax heaven lah.

TV Smith: Oh... you mean Cayman Islands, the tax haven.

TV Smith: Anyway, let's get back to the topic of datukships. Why do you think there are so many Datuks allegedly involved in criminal activities recently?

Uncle Ho: I think maybe because theirs one free. My one I paid so I be more careful in case they tarek back, my money gone…

TV Smith: Yours where can tarik back? It's fake!

Uncle Ho: Hehehe. Since it is so profitable, I told my boys to look into the fake certificate business.

TV Smith: I thought you are already doing it?

Uncle Ho: Where got?

TV Smith: The B certs?

Uncle Ho: Eh… sorry got to go out now. Just got tip-off that Bukit Bintang area gonna get raid by senior officers!

TV Smith: All the more you shouldn't be there, right?

Uncle Ho: Latuk and Latuk easy to settle mah…

*Myeh lan, hye yan? is the affectionate local canto greeting that is similar to "Yo! What's up bro?" The literal translation is "What male private part, you female private part person?"

© 2004 TV SMITH
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