TV SMITH's Dua Sen: Sex Please, We're Malaysians
TV Smith's Dua Sen
TV Smith's Dua Sen. The politically incorrect irregular columnist combines his idiosyncratic observations and tangential commentary into a blog...


by TV Smith

Was it Confucius who once said "Man with hard problem will find solution in hand"? Local men with stiff problem will find solution in foreign hands, nowadays. At the many 'Mini UN' offices in Kuala Lumpur, female representatives from ASEAN, Central Asian, East European & South American countries work tirelessly to alleviate the problems faced by men whose wives are chronic migraine sufferers. Creatively branded as health centers or spas, the ISPs (International Sex Providers) are respectable tenants of five-star hotels, fancy service apartments and futuristic office towers. Its marketing and distribution network runs far and wide. Stroll down Jalan Bukit Bintang and you'll likely be accosted by sales agents touting a delivery service that's faster than any pizza maker in town. At the popular entertainment strip along Jalan P Ramlee, almost every meter-hating cab driver queued up at the 100-meter long taxi stand is a 'down-liner' for some health centers.

World's Longest Taxi StandCops Read Blogs?
Above: Cops read blogs? Night of June 11th; police patrol car appeared every 15 minutes to foil repeated attempts to set two new world records. World's biggest assembly of meter-hating cab drivers and world's longest taxi stand.

Of course, there's no sinful supply without devilish demand. We're after all a nation of happy humpers with enough sexual energy to rival six billion rabbits. We're talking quantity here, not quality. Some men, reportedly, find these places attractive because they can skip the hassle of foreplay, which is usually ten minutes of begging anyway. In the West, couples with bedroom problems are encouraged to seek joint counseling. In Malaysia, our men adopt a slightly different but unilateral approach. They go to GRO lounges, sit silently with one hand on a breast (and the other on a thigh) and listen to the GRO's endless ranting for about RM 30 an hour (minus tips and drinks). The curious twist is that the the customer pays the GRO to listen to her problems.

One local hooker-hunting politician suggested that foreign women flocked to work at our chicken shops because Malaysian men make good customers. They usually last five minutes or less, he claimed. So we're a nation of unabashed premature-ejaculators then? Perhaps that explains the proliferation of performance enhancing products. Take a look around you; there's endless ads and flyers promoting aphrodisiacs ranging from Ginseng Teh Tarik to Tongkat Ali Instant Noodle. For the women, a thousand Jamu products compete to tighten their pelvic muscles and help them keep a firmer grip on their partners.

With its 70 Million Population Policy going haywire, the government now wants its citizens to bonk at home, not at someone else's. There's no point having a five million increase each year, when another ten million die of venereal diseases, sexual exhaustion or murder by jealous spouses. With all the earlier emphasis on reckless reproduction, many 'counter-productive' subjects remain taboo on mainstream television. Sanitary napkins and condoms commercials are still banned. God forbid, if someone should ever promote a tampon on prime time television, she'll likely be detained under the ISA. Our kids are not supposed to know anything about menstruation or safe sex. Many continue to rely on hieroglyphic inscriptions on public toilet doors for the most basic of sex education.

Right: Computer-enhanced image of artifact excavated from site where a secondary school once stood. Circa 1980. Believed to be inscriptions on the inside of a school toilet door. It was commonly used as a medium for sex education and is still widely adopted by present day Malaysian society.
Toilet Grafitti

With the current explosion of incest, child rape and abandoned babies, one would think that our local research institutes are racing against the clock to develop some kind of libido suppressant. No. Instead, our universties are embarking on a government funded study of a local herb, Kacip Fatimah. It purportedly increases a woman's sexual drive and shrinks her uterus faster after child-birth, thus enabling her husband to re-fertilise her within one week of leaving the maternity ward. Never mind that there are more pressing problems like persistent poverty, increasing scarcity of natural resources and life threatening diseases.

Ever since since the disbanding of the National Family Planning Board, Malaysian men have literally risen to the challenge to copulate the country out of its Third Word country status. No wonder rabbit meat never took off in Malaysia. It's considered a sacred animal.

Majulah Seks Untuk Negara.

© 2003 TV SMITH
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