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TV Smith's Dua Sen. The politically incorrect irregular columnist combines
his idiosyncratic observations and tangential commentary into a blog...
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MBR
- MALAYSIA BOLEH RECORDS
by TV Smith
07/12/03
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In our never-ending
quest to set inane records, many other more profound and weighty achievements
may have been overlooked. This week, Dua Sen salutes the unsung and selfless individuals
who personify the Malaysia Boleh spirit; the true Bolehans…
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Highest Number
Of Freeloaders Congregating At One Spot - Nilai, 6th December 2003. 10,000
looters stripped a wholesale outlet bare in 30 minutes, carting away 3000 electrical
and household items.
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Highest Number
Of Persons Not Charged In A Single Theft Case - The owner of the looted shop
declined
to press charges against the looters, thereby creating a new category for MBR.
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Highest Number
Of Human Piranhas Gathered At One Spot - 1999
Hari Raya Open House organised by the Kuala Lumpur Tourist Association. Thousands
of starving Malaysians wrecked the festive treat for foreign tourists by devouring
all available food and drinks in sight, all within 25 seconds.
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Highest Number Of People Who Failed Mathematics Gathering Thrice Weekly At
One Spot - The gaming shop.
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Highest Number
Of Road Accidents In The World - 26,662 died in road
accidents between the years 1997 to 2002.
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Highest Number
Of Suggestions Ever Offered - 8,258,235 suggestions and proposals were made
regarding the mass carnage problem between the
years 1997 to 2002.
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Highest Concentration
Of Colour-Blind People In One City - Kuala Lumpur. Over 3 million motorcyclists
who suffer from this rapidly spreading medical condition are riding through red
lights at traffic junctions daily.
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Highest Number
Of Honorific Titles Awarded In A Single Year - In 2003, 52,987 individuals
were conferred titles. 89% of the titles
were awarded to newspaper editors, journalists and used car dealers.
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Highest Number
Of VCD Sellers Per Sq Inch - Petaling Street, Kuala Lumpur. In November 2003,
the number of individuals peddling VCDs exceeded
the number of visitors by 120 to 1.
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Highest Number
Of Macha Rappers Per Sq Inch - Jalan Telawi 2, Bangsar.
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Highest Number
Of Sarong
Party Girls Per Sq Inch - 3-way-tie: Jln Sultan Ismail / Jln P Ramlee
/ Jln Telawi 3.
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Highest Number
Of Pimps Masquerading As Taxi Drivers Per Sq Inch - Jalan P Ramlee, Kuala
Lumpur.
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Highest Number
Of Taxi Drivers Masquerading As Pimps Per Sq Inch - Jalan P Ramlee, Kuala
Lumpur.
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Highest Number
Of Tables & Chairs Found On A Public Road - A mamak
stall in Petaling Jaya placed 46, 899 tables and 166,522 chairs on a road
stretching 6 kilometers, beating 10,4657 other roadside stall operators in the
area.
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Highest Number
Of National Institutions Found On A Public Road - Jalan Tun Razak, KL. Within
a radius 500m, lies the National Theatre, National Art Gallery, National Blood
Bank, National Heart Institute, National Library, National News Agency & National
Service Training Department.
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Highest Number
Of Party People In A Sports Category - Hockey.
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Highest Number
Of Bankrupts In A Sports Category - Badminton.
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Highest Number
Of Politicians In A Sports Category - Soccer.
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Highest Number
Of Absent-Minded Officers In A Sports Category - Shooting.
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Youngest Security
Guard Ever Hired - Sofian Ahmad, aged 11, is believed to be the youngest security
guard hired ever since it became trendy to employ scrawny teenagers as guards.
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Oldest Security
Guard Ever Hired - Hj Ahmad Hanafi, aged 93, of Wing Onn Goldsmith Shop, Kuala
Lumpur.
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Best Kept Secret
Of 2003 - Top-secret
successor of Proton Wira revealed months before launch.
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Question Most
Often Asked By Tourists - Why is it cheaper
to fly to Phuket from KL than to take a cab to KLIA?
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Question Most
Often Asked By Taxi Drivers - Sir, you
want best Thai chicken in KL?
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Fastest Response
To A Road Accident - Tow truck driver, Ng Kim Seng of Kepong takes an average
of 11.356 seconds to arrive at any accident scene within the Klang Valley. (I
think our Fire & Rescue Department should appoint this guy as consultant).
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Fastest
Improvement In Service (Temporary Status) - Immigration Department
(after surprise visit by PM Pak Lah).
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Biggest
Mass Migration - 1995-1997. During the mass colonisation of Bangsar by white
imperialists, 3 million Indians migrated to nearby reservations like Waikiki,
Silk and Backyard.
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Biggest
Scientific Breakthrough - A net was purportedly used to catch a rock the size
of a bungalow during the NKVE rockfall.
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Most
Remarkable Civil Engineering Feat (Pending) - Building of crooked
half bridge to Singapore.
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Most
Remarkable Social Engineering Feat - Forcing Singaporeans to drink
Newater.
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Most
Enterprising Marketeer - Uncle Ho (&
friends) for making available M$
Longhorn OS, two years before its official release.
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Most Creative
Method To Solve KL's Stray Dogs & Cats Problem - Hiring and underfeeding
Vietnamese
workers.
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Most Unique
Broadband Service - A Malaysian ISP offers the world's first and only broadband
service at 28.8k speed.
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Most
Sacred Body Parts - The armpit and the belly button. Appearance banned on
all local ads & television programs.
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Most Feared
Body-Related Parts - Sanitary napkins, tampons & condoms. Blanket ban
on television ads.
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Most Popular
Way To Blow $ 20,000 In A Single Day - Taking a full page newspaper ad to
thank a minister.
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Most
Perplexing Unsolved Mystery - Traffic along the Federal Highway slows down
to a crawl in front of the Angkasapuri Building for no apparent reasons. This
unexplained phenomenon existed since the 70's when the highway was a dusty dual
lane road and continues to defy logic, even with the present day 8 lane-highway.
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Most
Consistent Naming Pattern - Proton.
All their models end with an "a". Saga, Iswara, Wira, Putra, Tiara,
Satria, Waja, Arena, Juara, Perdana and possibly Sutra for the upcoming model.
*Update: the only exception being the new Proton Ah Beng - the one that's factory
fitted with a giant rear air spoiler.
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Most Successful
Animal Extinction Programme - All 7 rhinos at a captive
breeding center died.
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Most Successful
Stowaway - A man who wanted a free
ride to Sabah got more than he bargained for when he sneaked onboard a plane
at one of the world's most high-tech airports. He ended up in Bali.
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Most Unsuccessful
Mass Suicide Attempt - 30,446 villagers from Kampung Muhibbah attempted mass
suicide when they discovered at the last minute that a rival village has already
attained the record for the world's longest lemang.
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Most Unsuccessful
Bodeking Attempt* (Pending) - A minister censuring the public for
calling the brand new prime minister; Pak
Lah. *pending annoucement of new DPM.
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Most Synergistic
Corporate Merger (Pending) - Star Publications
and Coney Shock Absorbers Berhad. The Saturday edition of The Star is believed
to have damaged the shock absorbers and suspension system of thousands of lorries
and motorcycles transporting the 10 kg + paper.
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Most Unique
Top Level Domain Name (Pending) - It is rumoured that the government is planning
to issue a new top level domain name in honour of a Malaysian swimmer; com.mydin
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© 2003 TV
SMITH
Link to this article: http://www.tvsmith.net.my/duasen/071203_mbr.html
See also: MOTOR PYSCHOS
| WE ARE WE | FROM
THE CLASSIFIEDS | SEX PLEASE, WE'RE
MALAYSIANS
THE
REAL OLYMPICS | KLANG VALLEY, TRULY
MALAYSIA | GOLD FOR EIGHT
| GANGSTAS
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